When knowing more isn’t enough

You know enough to be frustrated with yourself for not being x more. Before, it was: I should do more. Maybe now, it is: I “should” be more kind to myself. And then, that familiar cycle of self-criticism takes over. Why am I not behaving correctly, you may wonder. Why can’t I just do the thing I know is good for me already? Your shoulders tense up, your breathing shortens, and your heart races. 

You see others around you managing all the responsibilities with aplomb and grace, and you wonder why things don’t come more easily for you. You want to move through the world like Alysia Liu glides through ice, carefree and full of utter delight in doing the thing that makes her come alive. You want to let those critical remarks fall like water off your back, but they don’t. 

You see the world that you live in, and you see the chasm to get to the world you want to live into. You try to live in that world now, but it doesn’t quite flow, or compute, so you feel like an imposter. Is it the chicken, or the egg? Can you live into a world that feels so far away? 

When it’s just you trying to live into this world, it’s daunting. But if you can surround yourself with others already living into that world, you’re not alone. Even when you falter, you won’t have to rely on your willpower to pull up your bootstraps. Others can help carry you through. And sometimes, you may carry them. I wonder, what kind of world would that be like?