When Appeasing Turns to Anger
If you’ve lived your whole life fine-tuning your reactions to those around you, you might be used to appeasing to keep a surface peace. You might hesitate to speak unfiltered because others’ feelings take precedence–who are you to share your stuff, when others have it much worse? Perhaps once in a while, a slow simmer of irritation becomes a boil of anger, but you stuff it down quickly because, hey, that’s not gonna end well. What would happen to all your people? Would they even stick around?
Maybe for years, even decades, you’ve kept a smile and replied “I’m good” every time someone asked how you were. Because, weren’t you? Your parents were the ones who migrated to a new country, not you. You have all the comforts and privileges of citizenship. Maybe your health is relatively stable–no impending crisis. Who are you to complain?
But lately, something’s missing. And what keeps popping up is anger, sometimes even rage. Maybe it’s the latest news, or the person cutting in front of you. That annoying colleague you can’t perform around anymore. You’re speaking up and setting boundaries with your family, and they don’t know how to respond. You’re surprised, and a bit confused. This isn’t your normal. What’s happening?? Where did that easy breezy attitude go?
Well, there’s some good news in this puzzlement. Your anger likely stems from a valid place. Your anger might be in reaction to a threat or injustice, and rather than freezing or fawning as you did before, you’re re-orienting to your body and feelings, and fighting back. You might be starting to feel more power to assert and protect yourself. You’re moving from a chronic, default fawn response to giving room for legitimate anger, but unsure how to channel it effectively. You’re allowing yourself to acknowledge and validate boundary pushing (or downright transgression). You’re moving from victim to protagonist, actively shaping your story.
All this anger might feel disorienting. You might want to run the other direction. But you don’t have to face it alone. With therapy, you can learn compassion and care for all of your feelings, whatever shows up. You can learn to regulate your emotions, not to perform, but to show up more fully for all of your life. And with that strength, you get to decide when and how to respond when anger shows up. What story are you living into?
